Ask Hawkins B.A.: Wee Pirate vs. Leprachaun

Ask Hawkins B.A.
Welcome again to the advice column where each week I answer questions on absolutely any topic. ANY TOPIC! Simply submit it via email, smail, or pigeon (preferably house trained.)

This week's question comes an actual reader, Trogdor, the Burninator, who writes: Dear Mr Hawkins, BA, I was wondering who you think would win in a fair fight: a wee pirate or a leprachaun? Sincerly, Trogdor, the Burninator

Although they share many similarities (foul-mouthed, diminutive, and generally unpleasant beasts they both are), the differences between wee pirates and lepracauns are vast. Wee pirates are creatures of the sea, and while early folklore alludes to the leprachauns as water faeries, there is no evidence that they stray from dry land in modern times. While all leprachauns are male, solitary creatures, wee pirates are social beings, belonging to a crew, and while predominantly male, are not exclusively so (Lil' Anne Bonny is probably the most famous of the female wee pirates.) Despite their diminutive height, wee pirates (about the height of a [normal sized] barrel of grog) are extremely savage fighters. They do not think twice about slitting the throat or stabbing the back of anyone in their path. Loyalty to the ship's captain only lasts as long as the loot and food keeps pouring in. Their strengths in battle include brute force, a vast knowledge of weapons and their use, and brute force. Weaknesses include an unquenchable thirst for grog, disorientation on dry land, and an obsession with loot, especially gold. A leprachaun's personality is just as ugly as its face. They prefer to be alone and thus are uncomfortable when confronted with other beings. They will do anything to return to solitude, most often with trickery, though if cornered they will most certainly kill. Their speed is unmatched, as they only need the slightest distraction in order to vanish as if into thin air. Their strengths include speed, agility, and cunning. Weaknesses include lack of social skills, lack of sea legs, and obsession with gold. Your question involves a "fair fight" between the two, which I can honestly say is impossible. Both are known for their nefarious ways, and they are no strangers to cheating at all costs. Thus, "fair fight" must be defined as "cheating just as much as the other" in order for your question to be workable. The battle must consist of a best 2 out of 3 format, with one round upon sea and one upon land, and the winner of the pre-battle non-piece-of-eight-coin flip deciding the location of the third round (if necessary). Weapons to be used in each round will be chosen by the creature not native to the locale of the round (i.e. the wee pirate will chose weapons for the land battle, and the leprachaun will chose for the sea battle.) The third round will be conducted without weapons, though given the sportsmanship of each of the participating parties, one can expect at least a couple of boot knives to be smuggled in. Round one, that upon sea, will easily go to the wee pirate, regardless of the choice of weapons. By having sea legs he will easily take advantage of the leprachaun as he vomits over the bow. Round two, that upon land, will be much closer. The wee pirate's lack of orientation on solid ground will be less of a disadvantage than the leprachaun would like. Most likely, it will be fought with the wee pirate's choice of cutlasses, but again here the weapon choice is negligible. The round will end with the leprachaun casually mentioning his pot of gold, distracting the wee pirate for a mere split second, which is all the leprachaun will need to disarm and bloody up the wee pirate. As the first two rounds will inevitably be split, one would expect the coin flip to be crucial. This, however, is not the case. Regardless of who wins the flip, the sea will be the chosen locale, the pirate choosing because he thinks he can again easily best a vomiting faerie, and the leprachaun because of his cunning. The leprachaun will have now become acclimated to the sea, and so this will not play a factor in the battle. The wee pirate, knowing that the leprachaun will try to distract him with gold, will not again fall for this trickery. But as wee pirates are not known for their intelligence, a fact the leprachaun knows well, the leprachaun will simply make mention of grog, and beat the wee pirate once again. The match will be especially quick if the leprachaun wins the coin toss, as the wee pirate's confusion over the choice of locale will make him an easy victim for the leprachaun's trickery. --Hawkins B.A.

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