If you live in the south, contact your representative in Congress about introducing a law which bans Confederate flag burning, or hold a Confederate flag burning rally, depending on your particular political affiliation. Or do both.
This week's question comes from CAN'T DECIDE IN OHIO (Dear Abby July 27th.) She writes: I need some help. The guy I live with, "Arnold," doesn't want to get married, but I do. We have been together for 19 years. What should I do? Also, I don't love Arnold like I did. Should I try to get back with my first love or what? (It's my former husband.) We were married eight years and had three kids. They are all grown now. -- CAN'T DECIDE IN OHIO | |
 | Leave your roommate alone. You do indeed have a much better shot with the husband you've been parted from for twenty years. If any of your children are twins, see if they can help rekindle the love, perhaps by planning an ill-advised camping trip with the ex-husband's wife. --Hawkins B.A. |
Fashion Tip of the Week:
Camoflage wallets are a no-no. Not only because they are unattractive, but you will also be hard-pressed to find anyone volunteering to help you find it should you lose it.
This week's question comes from Shirley in Nantucket who writes: I've been trying for months with no luck to lose some pounds. Can you suggest a diet that would accomplish this? I'm going to my high school reunion in a few weeks and want to lose at least 100 pounds. | |
| You're in luck! I've just come up with another great miracle diet solution, called the UK Travel Diet! This exciting new diet is guaranteed to help you lose as many pounds as you want! For the low low cost of ten easy installments of $39.95 we will send you the UK Travel Diet plan guide, which details just where to exhange currency and which casinos you should hit while you're over there in the United Kingdom. You'll lose pounds in record time or your money back! --Hawkins B.A. |
General Ideas
Play a match of tennis without a net while someone reads freeverse poetry aloud.
And with that obscure cultural reference, I begin the new, possibly better than ever, Ideabook Blog. I hope you, the reader, enjoy it in its new home, far from the prepubescent blogging hell that is Myspace.
I've now archived all the Myspace blogs below, and can fully concentrate on creating new content here at blogger. Blogs of immense interest to follow.
6.10.06 Novel Excerpt
It is the duty of every English graduate to have a novel in progress. Here is an excerpt from mine, if I was writing it.
He arrived to the potluck too early, that is to say right on time. Carl lurched his VW into a spot alongside a blue Chevy Nova, and ran the rest of the way to the apartment. Cindy answered the door.
"I brought these," Carl said, gesturing to the Ziploc bag of generic Oreos.
"Great, just put them on the table with the other food. Did you see my car out there?"
"What, the Nova?" Carl asked.
"Yeah, it exploded today."
"That couldn't have come as a surprise though, right?"
"Why, because it's a Chevy?"
"No, because it's a Nova."
6.16.06 Novel Excerpt
Here is more from my novel, if I was writing one:
Carl's carpris, he noticed as he sat down on the couch, were not quite as fashionable on him as they had looked on the rack. He was too deep in thought over this matter to hear Cindy, and whatever she might be saying.
"...and that is why I never carry horse perfume anymore! Did you have difficulty finding the place?"
Capri Capri Capri
"Hello? Carl? Oh my! What's wrong?"
Carl flopped to the ground, his head careening off the coffee table on the way. What was wrong was Carl was allergic to peanuts, one of which had fallen between the cushions on the couch months before, waiting for him, waiting for him, waiting for him.
6.03.06 Six Minute Comic
6.29.06 Amelie
6.26.06 Travels
7.05.06
This week's question comes from Skeeter in West Virginia who writes: Deers anne landers:io resently marryed my cousin-sister. This i thaut a good idya at the time cos she hot but now she cheetin i thinks on me with hur brother-father. i in jale now but wen i got out soon shud i kill him or shud i kill her. | |
 | Oh wonderful! I absolutely adore this situation and it can positively be remedied with babies adorned in flowers! If you have young children of your own, and I'm sure you probably have five under the age of three, they can be dressed up as daffodils and tulips floating on an exquisite bed of clouds! Not only will this celebrate the beauty of motherhood, but will emphasize the innocence blooming upon the earth. Thank you so much for your question! -Anne Geddes |
This week's question comes from Kate in North Carolina who writes: I'm really confused by one of Manfred Mann's lyrics. In Blinded by the Light, why is the chorus "Blinded by the light, wrapped up like a douche, and I'm ready to fight"? I've tried desperately to intrepret these lyrics so that it makes sense, but to no avail. | |
| Actually, the lyrics are "Blinded by the light, revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night." I hope that helps, although I don't know that "revved up like a deuce" makes that much more sense than what you had. --Hawkins B.A. |
This week's question comes from Ben in Maryland who writes: The last I heard from Katie you all were planning on being here this Friday through Monday. Is that still the plan? What time will you be here on Friday - are you leaving Monday or Tuesday? | |
| The Plan: leave N.C. before 10:00 a.m. on Friday, and leave D.C. sometime Monday. Fun had in between. --Hawkins B.A. |
This week's question comes from ICE PRINCESS IN THE MIDWEST (Dear Abby January 7th) who writes: DEAR ABBY: I have cold hands. Because of a medical condition, my hands are either icy from cranked-up air conditioning in the summer or from freezing temperatures in the winter. I hate shaking hands with people because it's like asking them to hold a block of ice. Should I say something as I'm shaking hands, or should I avoid bringing attention to it and comment only if the other person says something? If it's the latter, would, "I have a medical condition" suffice? Thanks for your help. | |
| Wear gloves. --Hawkins B.A. |
This week's question comes from DISMAYED IN MARYSVILLE, MICH. (Dear Abby May 31) who writes: Can you please settle our question about what is proper attire for church? Are short shorts, tube tops and flip-flops suitable for a house of worship? | |
| Partial and in some places full frontal nudity is acceptable within most places of worship these days. After all, if the Devil wears Prada, you should wear nada. --Hawkins B.A. |
This week's question comes from Sue in Wyoming who writes: My toddler son has challenged me to a lego building contest and I don't know anything about legos. We have Duplos, and I was thinking of doing a tropical theme, and I think he's going with a space theme, I think. Can you help me? You must help me! | |
| My coconut tree should do the trick. Simply alternate yellow and orange blocks for the trunk (1), Add green blocks for the leaves (2) and add some coconuts (3).: This should easily defeat anything your kid creates. Be sure to deride anything he makes, reminding him of how it resembles nothing, and keep up that healthy competitive spirit! --Hawkins B.A. |
This week's question comes from Southern Anonymous Teacher. She writes: I'm a high school teacher in the South, and earlier this week I had a student ask me if was a Yankee. So my question is, how is it that students know the difference between Yankees and Southerners, but can't find the United States on a map, even if that map is of North America and everything is clearly labeled? --Southern Anonymous Teacher | |
| Well S.A.T., is it possible that you were wearing pin-stripes at the time? The student may have just taken you for someone who regularly gets deep into the playoffs. The most likely explanation is that the student has been indoctrinated by their parents to fear the Yankee Agenda, which includes getting an education and not working at Wal-mart. Your student is probably just striking out against you because you are presenting book-learning to him or her. Also, it is possible that the "North America" label on the map is throwing them off, because they are taught that Northerners are bad. If you really want to blow your students' minds, you should tell them that if they ever go over to United Kingdom (that is, of course, assuming they could find it) they would most likely be called Yankees or Yanks themselves. --Hawkins B.A. |
This week's first question comes from Scarlet (Dear Abby May 13th.) She writes: I recently went to a salon to have my hair dyed back to my natural color. The stylist did a wonderful job and I'm happy with the results, as it's hard to match the color of someone's roots with hair dye. However, later I went out to dinner with a friend, and she pointed out a large stain of hair dye on the back of my shirt. I'm not sure what to do. I'm fairly certain the stylist must have seen it as she walked me to the counter. It was a brand-new shirt and cost me $40 the day before I went to the salon, and it was the first time I had ever worn it. I'd like to ask the salon to pay for the cost of the shirt, but would this be proper? | |
| Who the hell wears a brand new shirt to get their hair dyed and doesn't wear a smock over it during the process? Why don't you try returning it to the store because it's not dye-proof? That would just about make as much sense. --Hawkins B.A. |
Our next question comes from Tea Lover in New York (Dear Abby May 12th.) She writes: I often order a cup of herbal tea with dinner at restaurants. I use quite a bit of sugar, and end up with four to five empty packets after I've sweetened my tea. What should I do with them? I've tried hiding them under the saucer, but they never seem to fit. | |
| Is this really a question? Is this really the most serious thing going on in your life right now, so much that you're writing to Dear Abby about it? Alright, here's some suggestions: 1. Pretend to flirt with the waiter and stick them in his pocket. b. Put them in your purse. Yeah, that's all I've got. The inanity of these questions is making my head spin. That's all for this week. Hurry the pigeons up.--Hawkins B.A. |
| Hawkins B.A. has gone on sabbatical. Here is a reprinted column previously printed elsewhere. This week's question comes from Alice Verner from Atlanta, Georgia. She writes: My husband and I adopted a beautiful road two years ago. It has given us much joy, but the problem is we are not quite sure how to tell it that we are not its biological parents. When and how should we do this? We are afraid that our little Peachtree Avenue won't treat us the same after we break the news. | |
| This is actually a very common problem among adoptive parents. The most common worry is that the adopted road will feel a sense of mistrust and betrayal. The important thing to remember is to do sooner rather than later. You certainly don't want to wait until little Peachtree is expanded into a 10 lane highway, do you? When you do explain it, assure your road that the construction workers that helped create it never actually saw it, so that your road won't feel rejected or unloved. If your road decides that it would like to meet the construction workers, explain to it that this is not the right time, but perhaps in the future when it is older it can explore such things. In the meantime, be sure to give it lots of affection, encouragement, and litter pick-up to pave the way to a great relationship. --Hawkins B.A. |
| This week's question comes from B. Flaimen in Orlando who writes: Long time reader, 1st time emailer. What do I do if I may occidentally have started a fire that is burning my apartment building in flames? I was wundering on weather to call 911, but i'm pretty sure I left my cats hair roller on, so i'm pretty sure they'll arrest me, so i'm just waiting in my apartment rite now. i[m on the 82nd floor with a great view. | |
| First of all, surely you know that furcurling for cats is so day before yesterday? Or possibly even the day before that. Today's hip cats are wearing cashmere sweaters and egyptian wool clamdiggers which accentuate their natural tufts of fur, rather than the massive fur curls of yesteryear. As for your fire-related question, why did you send me that email on Friday, when advice columns are printed on Wednesday? Surely you didn't expect me to write an emergency column just for you and forgo the important news regarding signs in Minnesota! Should you still be alive at this point, I recommend that you grab your hair roller and stop, drop the roller out the window. Such crimes against fashion should never be tolerated. --Hawkins B.A. |
| This week's question comes from A.B. in Iowa who writes: Is it possible to maintain a friendship after a serious realtionship? | |
| The key is to have an unrealtionship, where one or both members is either dead or imaginary, or at the very least invisible. You really will encounter very few problems that way. Oh. I just realized you may have meant "relationship." I'm sorry, I don't know that I can help you then. --Hawkins B.A. |
From Idea Book: MS edition
6.22.06 On Your Home Answering Machine
Start for-profit Carl Kasell impersonation service to take advantage of losing contestants on Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me.
6.16.06 High Seas Glassblowery
Lug glassblowing materials onto a large seagoing vessel, and make a bottle in a ship.
6.08.06 Assassination
The ever moving Idea Book moves once again. Dust off the boxes, it's here to stay, at least for a bit. Apologies to anyone who may like myspace, but it sucks. So here we are. Ideas to come later.
