I've too much to do this week in recovery from the long weekend. Posts to resume on Monday.
 |  This amused me--I accidently typed in "Gastoni" instead of "Gastonia" in Google Maps, and so gave me directions from Italy. Included in these instructions, as you can see, is to swim across the Atlantic. Impressively, I should be able to make the entire trip in just over 30 days! |
 | Invest your entire life savings in USPS Forever Stamps, and when they raise the price again sell them on Ebay for less than what the Post Office charges but more than what you paid. Forever Stamps = Instant Wealth. |
 | Welcome again to the advice column where each week I answer questions on absolutely any topic. ANY TOPIC! Simply submit it via email or USPS, or submit it in the comments below. Carrier pigeons are no longer accepted.
|
 |  Valrico, Fl M. Hawkins May 22, 2007 Monday was a scrambled eggs and roasted pig day for at least one man in Florida. "My folks named me Hank Michaels, but you can just call me Hank. Most everyone but the leaky faucet whispers that name." Hank Michaels smiled as he recounted the details of his special day, a day in which he became the first in his small town to create 200 unique clichés. "Now anybody can say, perhaps, a 'dead as a doornail' or 'pretty as a peach.' Those are well-established, clichéd clichés." "But how many people say 'dead as guillotined marmot' or 'pretty as a shiny Sacagawea dollar' in the same sentence to describe the same person? That, my friend, is skill. 1963, that was, and a good day at that." "Except for Sally being dead and all." Festivities for the man included a parade, a 21-gun salute, and a ceremony in which he received the key card to the city. "This is an honor," said Michaels at the ceremony. "A real 401-k optioned honor." Professor Opberheim of UCLA's linguistics department is among the detractors of Michaels' distinction. "This should not even be recognized as an achievement," said Opberheim. "These are not clichés that he is rambling off, because no one else uses them. Clichés are by definition overused phrases betraying a lack of original thought. Look it up!" |
 |  |
| Here is the series of invitation teasers with which we barraged the invitees of a BSG party each day last week. Surprisingly enough, it worked, and we had a pretty good sized group show up who aren't people you'd typically expect to come around to watch a sci-fi show. I've blurred out our address so we don't get anyone showing up unexpectedly. You probably have to have seen the show to really appreciate these, but here are the teasers:      I will go retire to my fortress of geekdom now. |
| Things to Ponder: If you revive a website that was previously left to die, does it become an undead link, and possess all the qualities of an undead being? |
| Welcome again to the advice column where each week I answer questions on absolutely any topic. ANY TOPIC! Simply submit a question in the comments below, or send it via email or USPS. Carrier pigeons are no longer accepted. This week, since we are closing in on the 200th post here at Idea-Book Headquarters (this is post #195), I figured I'd answer some of the frequently asked questions.
|
|  Columbus, OH Mick Hawkins May 15, 2007 Lawyers for Nortan Gibble immediately filed for appeal following his sentencing on Monday. Gibble was convicted of failing to appear, and faces up to three months in state prison. "You don't play hooky with the law," said district attourney Samuel Watts. "You miss your court date and we'll bring the mighty gavel down on you." Gibble's attourneys argued in the appeal that Gibble was present at his hearing, however. "This has to be thrown out," said Gibble's lawyer. "He was at his trial, he was simply unable to manifest himself visually for the courtroom. My client is a chronic sufferer of IMD, Invisible Man's Disease, and can't control when he manifests and demanifests." "He was even up on the witness stand, waiving his fifth ammendment rights," said Gibble's lawyer. "But no one would listen, you see? No one would listen." "This ain't no crappy Chevy Chase movie," said Gibble. "This is real life, my life. It's serious, and the justice system, or should I say the injustice system, is seriously prejudiced. Like they say, justice is blind, right?" Gibble's original charges include ten counts of murder, forty-five counts of breaking and entering, and eighty-four counts of voyeurism. |
| Welcome again to the advice column where each week I answer questions on absolutely any topic. ANY TOPIC! Simply submit it via email or USPS, or post it in the comments below. Carrier pigeons are no longer accepted.
|
|  Boston, MA Miguel Hawkins May 8, 2007 "I've had it, must be twelve years now, just look at these albums," said Bob Wingartner, who to all physical appearances is an ordinary man. "I've taken all these pictures as you see me here in front of you," Wingartner said, gesturing to his kind eyes and friendly smile. "But look at these pictures of me at the zoo, me graduating high school, me at the Halloween party as a wizard." The album, picture after picture, contained not the kind eyes or friendly smile, but the crooked sneer of a clown. Coulrophotographic Disorder, diagnosed in only two cases so far, is an affliction that develops gradually over a period of time. The disorder does not affect the sufferer in any physical way, but instead gradually transforms all images taken photographically of that person into a clown. "People, you see, they look at my kids' birthday parties in the albums, and they say to me 'Why are you always hiring that scary clown every year, you think your kids like that?'" "It gets tiring after a while, you see? Explaining." As of this writing, there is no cure for Coulrophotographic Disorder. |
|
|  Sure, I can see how the first picture is dangerous, but the second? He seems to be deflecting the dangerous projectiles just fine! |
| This idea is bound to make me millions: Sell wiki-shirts: blank t-shirts on which people can write whatever they want. |
| Welcome again to the advice column where each week I answer questions on absolutely any topic. ANY TOPIC! Simply submit it via email or USPS. Carrier pigeons are no longer accepted.
|
Like Ideabook? Rate it!:
Technorati Profile
Blog catalog
I suppose if you despise the blog you're welcome to express that opinion as well.
-Hawkins
|  Toronto, Ontario. M. Hawkins May 1, 2007 Top Canadian Brass members, including founder Charles Daellenbach, are in custody after accusations of counterfeiting U.S. musical instruments, in particular the American tuba. Called a "supertuba" by experts, the Canadien forgery is nearly indistiguishable from the real American tuba, and is suspected to have been used by Canadians as a source of income and to undermine the U.S. musical instrument industry. Experts such as the FBI's music expert Kurt Zert were only able to identify the differences by careful examination and years of experience. "See here, on the back," said Zert. "If you look closely you may be able to tell that the mouthpiece on the fake looks slightly smaller. Perhaps a bit more like a trumpet mouthpiece as well." "Also, the wrong country is printed here: 'Canada' instead of 'United States of America.' That's what really turned the case around and got us suspecting who might be the masterminds behind the operation." The five suspected Canadian Brass members have plead "not guilty" to all charges. |
|  Solution to be posted next week, or submit your own! I've added hints to last week's puzzle and extended the answering period. There's still about half of the answers floating out there. |
