Idea-book

ASK HAWKINS B.A.

2008-06-12T18:22:00.000-07:00

Gift Wrap-up

2007-12-12T15:03:00.000-08:00

Wrap-up

So now, after weeks of my in-depth coverage, you should all be more than prepared for the gift giving season. But just in case (and really it seems incredibly unlikely) that I failed to cover someone on your list, here's a few more tips:

1. Gift cards - If you still can't come up with something to buy for someone, get them a gift card. The best choice is a card to your favorite restaurant, especially if they don't like your favorite restaurant all that much (feign ignorance of this fact.) In all likelyhood they'll take you out to dinner with it. If it's for your significant other, movie theatre gift cards also work.

2. Charitable cards - These are similar to, but much cheaper than, the Christmas cards which read "A donation to [insert charitable organization here] has been made in your name." You really could do anything from "An old woman has been walked across the street in your name" to "40 hours of community service as a required part of my sentencing will be completed in your name."

3. Regifting - Superior to nongifting and ungifting, and just as cheap. This is a great option, especially for last minute gift giving.

Which leads us into:

The Idea-book Holiday Gift Getting Guide

If you're giving gifts you're bound to get a few too. Here's a few tips:

1. Display excitement no matter how terrible the gift.

2. If there's no gift receipt, be sure to say something along the lines of "Wow! Where did you ever find this great gift?" to make it easier to return later.

3. If you are unable to return the gift, be sure to label it with the giver's name, so as to avoid the embarrassment of regifting it to them later.

4. If it's a knick knack or plaque of some sort, they're probably going to expect to see it when they visit. Unfortunately you can't regift or return this sort of gift. Instead, make a crappy-gift organizing box with different compartments for each giver, so that the knick knacks can easily be distributed around the house when they visit.

Check back January 2008 for the News on the Fly Year In Review.

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Gifts for the Young Girl

2007-12-08T19:55:00.000-08:00

So many things to buy and time's a running out. Here's great last minute gift ideas for the young girl on your list

	I've got a lot of money to spend on this person a Zoo Ponies just don't cut it anymore. Go for an entire menagerie of animals: Buy a zoo. Estimated price: $100 million
	I'm broke Whorz doll Bratz is so last year. Make sure the young girl on your list has the latest in hip dolls. Estimated price: $19.99
	No, Really, I'm broke Treasure Pony Map Little girls always want ponies. Hand draw a map leading to a mythical treasure pony, and then spend all day searching for it.Estimated price: free

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Gifts for the Tweenager Girl

2007-12-07T19:35:00.000-08:00

Keep her happy or she'll get pregnant.

	I've got a lot of money to spend on this person iPhone OMG! Who loves to gab and check the weather simultaneously more than a female tweenager? Like, no one.* Estimated price: $399
	I'm broke eyePhone Mobile phone and goofy glasses all in one. Perfect for the tweenager with a sense of humor. Estimated price: $24.99 with mail-in rebate
	No, Really, I'm broke Box from Best Buy I wouldn't have thought the whole "getting a box as a gift" thing would work for this age group, but according to the Best Buy commercial I saw tweenager girls go nuts for it. Get a box for free from Best Buy. You may have to buy something for yourself to get it, but you can always return that if you need to pay the water bill.Estimated price: free

* Except perhaps Al Roker fans.

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Gifts for the Boss

2007-12-07T10:11:00.000-08:00

Who's the boss? (S)he's the Boss! Give a gift and you might keep your job.

	I've got a lot of money to spend on this person Tickets to Cats Wow! What a musical! Who wouldn't die to see Cats? Delight your boss with primo seats and maybe (s)he'll bring you along! Estimated price: $300
	I'm broke Manage Better: Page-a-day Calendar Remind your boss that nobody's perfect, and that (s)he could pick up his game a bit. Reminders come daily! Estimated price: $12.99
	No, Really, I'm broke Slack off less Do actual work around the office. No more slacking. The boss might even notice it and reward you monetarily for it. For instance, instead of writing a blog at work, write a report. Estimated price: decreased "me" time

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Gifts for the Presidential Candidate

2007-12-06T06:34:00.000-08:00

It's the candidate's last christmas before the elections. Make it count!

	I've got a lot of money to spend on this person Move to Florida Everyone knows that presidential elections all come down to votes in Florida, so the absolute best thing you can do is to move there and vote. Estimated price: $1000 and up
	I'm broke Crazy Hair Powder Although Lincoln wore it famously, beards are typically campaign killers for candidates. Thus, this crazy hair growing powder will be the perfect thing for your favorite candidate to sneak into his or her opponent's water at the debate. Works particularly well to discredit Hillary. Estimated price: $14.99
	No, Really, I'm broke Flag Pin Make this attractive safety pin flag adornment, because we know a candidate is not electable without it. The handmade nature of it will also show that your favorite candidate is in touch with the common American. Estimated price: $2.00 in supplies

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Gifts for the Neighbor's Dog

2007-12-05T13:38:00.000-08:00

Don't forget your four(in most cases)-legged friends!

	I've got a lot of money to spend on this "person" Real Human Skull Upgrade your favorite neighborhood pooch's chew toy up to the real thing. It's also sure to freak out the rest of the neighborhood, an added bonus. Prices range from $300-$400 dollars online for the premium died in China ones. Estimated price: $349.99
	I'm broke Inflatable Haunted House Grab one of these on super Halloween markdown clearance, and your neighbor's dog will be living like a king. These should be real cheap by now, and who knows, you might find it marked down to a dollar. Optional: spray paint it to disguise the fact that you shopped in the clearance bin. Estimated price: $20.00 or less
	No, Really, I'm broke Dog Sweater Either knit it yourself (which is unnecessarily time-consuming) or shrink one of yours. If you dislike the dog, and it's a male, make sure the sweater is extra girly like the one pictured here. Estimated price: close to free

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Gifts for the Babysitter

2007-11-30T18:41:00.000-08:00

Keep the sitter happy. She's earned it:

	I've got a lot of money to spend on this person Spy Camera Teddy Bear Get a cute teddy bear for the sitter, and keep an eye on her at the same time to make sure she's not whipping the kids or eating too much from the fridge. Just be sure not to name it Mohammed if she's Muslim. Estimated price: $399.99
	I'm broke Savings Bond What sitter wouldn't love the 14 year anticipation of waiting for a savings bond to mature? This may seem expensive for someone who's broke, but if you can't afford to spy on the babysitter, at least keep her happy with cash so she doesn't beat your kids. Estimated price: $25.00
	No, Really, I'm broke Babysitter's Club Play Performance Go to a bookstore and read The Babysitter's Club #1, taking notes as you do. Now go home, write a short one act play based on the plot, and perform it for your babysitter. You can even invite her to take one of the roles, or do them all yourself. Estimated price: Free

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Gifts for Mom

2007-11-29T21:23:00.000-08:00

Mom gave you life, you give her gifts:

	I've got a lot of money to spend on this person Imported Egyptian Brushed Terry Cloth Robe Select only the finest hand-brushed terry cloth for the robe for mom, and she will lounge more stylishly than a piano crooner. Upgrade with a personalized 24k gold embossed monogram with yours and hers initials encased in a heart. Estimated price: $99.99
	I'm broke Poly Cotton Blend Robe Cut the tag from a cheap polyblend robe, sew in one from an expensive brushed terry robe, and Mom will never know the difference. Estimated price: $14.99
	No, Really, I'm broke Used Baby Journal Buy a used baby journal online, and fill it out to reflect what you think your first year was like. Or if you get lucky and it's already filled out, simply swap out the baby's name for your own. A creative gift that no mom is sure to expect! Estimated price: $2.50

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Gifts for the Small Boy

2007-11-28T19:18:00.000-08:00

With so many toys and amusements for the young people out there, it can be hard to narrow it down. We narrow it down for you:

	I've got a lot of money to spend on this person Animatronic Pet from John Cox Why buy your kid a puppy or kitten that's just going to cost a lot of money in food and vet bills and then just die when you can have professional animatronic artist John Cox make just about any creature you can think of? Plus no need to have failed experiments in responsibility that end in you taking the dog for a walk and feeding it while junior plays video games. Estimated price: $80,000 and up
	I'm broke Aquadots I mentioned these earlier, but it bears repeating: This is the must-have toy for toddler boys. They're harder to find than Wii at this point, so grab it if you see it on the shelf. Estimated price: $19.95
	No, Really, I'm broke Cardboard Box "Ha ha! He's not even playing with the toy inside the box, he's playing with the box itself!" We've all heard that hilarious observation ...But what happens if there's a box inside the box? Which will he play with? Solve the mystery, and save some money. Estimated price: Free

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Gifts for the Retired Coal Miner

2007-11-27T17:56:00.000-08:00

Retired coal miners can be hard to shop for. But not anymore!

	I've got a lot of money to spend on this person Coal Mines of Hollywood This 12 Disc documentary set, 8 years in the making, chronicles the impact of coal mines in cinema. Guaranteed to be the perfect gift for the film buff/mine enthusiast, with scenes ranging from Short Round and Indy careening down the track on a mine cart in Temple of Doom to Marcel Marceau in Barbarella to the entire director's cut of How Green Was My Valley with three coal miner commentary tracks. Estimated price: $119.99
	I'm broke Mine Forever T Shirt This tshirt, available at a variety of online mine enthusiast merchants, expresses your feelings cheaply and with a pun. What could be better?* Estimated price: $15.00
	No, Really, I'm broke Lump of Coal Stand by the railroad tracks and grab this as it falls off the train whizzing past you. Cheap, nostalgic, and hilarious (Guess who's been naughty this year?), this gift's a winner for the cheapskates out there. Estimated price: Free

*See above

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Gifts for Dad

2007-11-26T17:53:00.000-08:00

Dads are notoriously difficult to shop for. They wear suits, but who wants to buy a tie again? But dads also shave, and are not too fond of doing it.

	I've got a lot of money to spend on this person Beardba Pro iRobot, the maker of the vacuuming robot Roomba, has this year come out with the perfect christmas gift: The Beardba Pro. Using similar technology from their previous devices, iRobot has created the must-have shaving accessory in Beardba Pro. The user simply programs the Beardba Pro to shave facial hair at a certain length, and Beardba takes care of the rest, constantly shaving the facial area thoughout the day to maintain the desired look. When it gets low on power, the Beardba can dock at the earpiece bluetooth port that can be positioned on either ear. Estimated price: $249.99
	I'm broke Barbershop Drive dad to the barbershop and get him a good old fashioned shave. Estimated price: $8.00
	No, Really, I'm broke Bic razor pack Put these on your mom's grocery list, and then yank them before they get to the medicine cabinet. Optional add-on: include a handwritten coupon offering to shave dad yourself.Estimated price: Free

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Questions and Concerns Continued

2007-11-22T08:26:00.000-08:00

It's another year of shopping, and with it comes new concerns. Here to answer those questions and concerns is our resident expert, Hawkins B.A.

Who do I shop for? Do I get something for everyone I know? I know a lot of people.

-Mertyl in Sarasota

There's a simple way of doing it. First, consider the likelihood of each person getting you a gift. If the likelihood is high (for instance, they've shown a pattern of getting you gifts in the past), then they go on your list. Everyone else that you may have forgotten about we will cover next week. Last year we saved so many potential disasters by reminding folks to get something for their pool boy. Expect the same thoroughness this year.

With the sub-prime mortgage crisis and high gas prices, economists are predicting that retail stores won't do so well this year. I don't have much money this year to spend, and I'm already in horrible credit card debt, but should I spend it anyway?
-Darlene in St. Paul

Remember that if we don't go shopping, the terrorists have won. Also, remember that running up credit card debt helps out two groups, the retailer and the credit card company, whereas not spending helps only you. And that's just selfish.

I've noticed that you're not covering what we're supposed to buy for people until next week, but you're also telling us we have to buy stuff on Friday. How are we to know what to buy?
-Herbert in Boise

Black Friday isn't about buying christmas gifts for specific people, it's about buying a whole bunch of stuff really cheap, and then seeing if any of it is worth keeping (Ideabook shopping tip: keep your receipts.) You also may be able to sell it on ebay to recoup the costs of shopping for the real gifts (a good strategy for those who fall into the "no, really, I'm broke" category. )

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Questions and Concerns

2007-11-20T21:00:00.000-08:00

It's another year of shopping, and with it comes new concerns. Here to answer those questions and concerns is our resident expert, Hawkins B.A.

I've heard that this year, what with all the recalls and all, that I shouldn't buy products that were manufactured in China. Is that true? Should I be worried?
-Sharon in Denver

Nonsense! There's never been a better year to buy from China. Here, I'll just give you one example: say you have a toddler nephew who is having trouble relating to his female classmates. Aquadots, which are made in China, are the perfect toy. In fact, nothing else will have the ladies moving their naptime mats to his faster!

I'm going out of town to visit family for Thanksgiving. Should I still try to go shopping on Black Friday?
-Mona in New York

No, don't bother. Let everyone else get the good deals... Of course you should go on Friday! We've been training for this! In fact, you shouldn't even be leaving town--you lose home field advantage, and will likely get disoriented shopping in a new town. But if you don't mind giving terrible gifts, go ahead and throw it all away. Say hi to grandma for me.

I've heard that there's been a bunch of leaks of Black Friday ads on the internet this year, and the deals aren't that good. Should I bother going still?
-Lizzie in Sacramento

Leaks are nothing new--Black Friday ads have been leaked since the first Thanksgiving (Beaver Pelts 1/2 off before 5 a.m.? Amazing.) What's new this year is that retailers are fighting back. They've flooded the internet with fake ads to counter the leaks. So, just as it was intended, you will have to wait until Thanksgiving morning to steal your neighbor's paper and find out where the deals are.

This year I'm not shopping for any gifts, but instead donating to charity the money I would've spent on people.
-Roberta in San Diego

That's not a question Satanist.

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Holiday Gift Giving Guide 2007

2007-11-18T21:39:00.000-08:00

Hi, and welcome back to another year of holiday gift giving.

First of all I'd like to thank God who created Al Gore, and Al Gore who created the internet, which makes this all possible, and without which you'd be reading a shoddily photocopied version of this guide distributed by a small army of street people. I'd also like to thank the wise men for inventing holiday gift giving, and Santa for taking it up a notch.

This guide's first week will be devoted to preparation for the most important day of the year, Black Friday (this Friday.) First note of preparation: Set your alarm clock for 4:30 tomorrow morning, and every morning this week. Every morning you must wake and dress immediately (no snooze buttons or showers!), drive to the mall by 4:45, and sit. You must, after all, be prepared! Preparation is key! It's the Girl Scouts motto! How do you think they sell so many of those damn cookies? They sit in front of retailers day after day!

The weeks after will follow a format familar to returning readers, and tell you exactly what you should get to delight everyone on your list, regardless of the size of your diamond encrusted moneyclip/wallet/spare-change-securing string. And check back every day this week of course to hone your shopping skills for the big day.

This guide is dedicated to the memory of Antonio. Evaporation is forever, but so are the memories*.

*Assuming I don't get Alzheimer's. Or die.

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If You Missed Last Year's...

2007-11-03T22:00:00.000-07:00

If you missed it, or just want to get a jump on buying gifts this year, here's last year's guide:

For the animal lover
For the father-in-law
For the lonely friend
For the stalker
For the wife
For the health nut
For the gamer
For the pool boy
For the neaderthal
For the grandma
Last minute shopping

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Holiday Gift Giving Guide 2007

2007-11-03T21:52:00.001-07:00

Too Busy To Blog

2007-08-22T08:24:00.000-07:00

Friday is Coulrophotographic Disorder Awareness Day

2007-08-14T21:36:00.000-07:00

For more information, please read the News on the Fly article which first brought this tragic disorder to public attention: http://idea-book.blogspot.com/2007/05/news-on-fly-mans-affliction-is-kodak.html

News on the Fly: Adopted Babies Made in China Recalled

2007-08-14T17:06:00.001-07:00

Former Chinese Baby Factory
Chicago, Ill
M. Hawkins
August 14, 2007

Chinese baby importer BabiCo announced a huge recall of its adopted babies earlier today.

"We apologize to the families that this has affected," BabiCo CEO Champ Myers said in a statement. "All BabiCo babies shipped between March and June 2007 are being recalled due to unsafe practices that took place at our factory overseas. We have only just now been made aware of what was being perpetrated by our subcontrator."

The Chinese subcontracting company, AdopTotzCo, was found to have produced babies that would only consume caviar and other such related luxury foods.

"We realize what a financial burden this has been on the middle class families which comprise our core customer base," said Myers. "Plus, there's just not enough fish eggs in the sea."

Fifteen percent of American families that received the affected babies reported not noticing any difference.

Puzzle #25: Word Hide

2007-08-11T19:27:00.001-07:00

Solution to be posted next week or submit your own.

Photo Phridays: Handicap Accessible?

2007-08-02T19:51:00.000-07:00

Worst Handicap Accessible Entrance Ever.

General Ideas: Stripped

2007-08-02T19:46:00.000-07:00

Next time you order a stripper-in-a-cake, choose pineapple upside down cake as the flavor.

Ask Hawkins B.A.: Deathly Hallows

2007-08-02T15:04:00.001-07:00

Ask Hawkins B.A.
Welcome again to the advice column where each week I answer questions on absolutely any topic. ANY TOPIC! Simply submit it via email or USPS, or submit it in the comments below. Carrier pigeons are no longer accepted.

This week's question comes from Wendy in Tulsa, who writes:

Yeah, so I wrote you last week about how the Harry Potter 7 book ends, and then I read it, and the ending you gave was completely different. What's up with that? Also, why no posts last week?

I received an advance copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows that unfortunately was defective and had pages inadvertantly interspliced from the upcoming Thomas and the Very Disturbing Day Thomas & Friends book. I was a bit confused myself, what with Rowling suddenly calling Voldemort by his full first name, so many pictures of the Hogwarts Express, and the elder Weasley boy having such a prominent role, but I printed it anyway. I apologize for ruining the end to the wrong book.

Book 7 ends with both Harry and Voldemort being revealed as robots, and Harry defeating Voldemort by downloading a virus onto He Who Shall Not Be Typed's harddrive. Also, Hagrid and Hermione are both Deatheaters.

No posts last week due to unforeseen circumstances. It will happen again, but perhaps not soon.

--Hawkins B.A.

News on the Fly: Self-Employed Man Fed Up

2007-08-02T14:47:00.000-07:00

Man, 35, is self-employed
East Moline, Illinois
M. Hawkins
August 1, 2007

"I've been self-employed for 27 months now. But no more, " says Freidrich Montague, 35, who has been self-employed for over 2 years.

Montague had considered leaving his position for several months, but recent events around the workplace had prompted him to begin a more serious job search.

"I don't pay myself well enough for the work I do," said Montague, "I never have. Salary rates are something I decide on a corporate level, however, so there's not much I can do about that."

"But when I hired that Joe guy to manage myself above me, for a position that I was more than qualified for, that was the last straw. I realized I couldn't work for myself anymore."

Montague plans on pursuing a job in a field related to the one in which he previously worked, but for better pay.

Puzzle #24: Hip Hop

2007-08-01T17:27:00.000-07:00

Solution to be posted next week or submit your own.

Photo Phriday: Sympathy Bonsai

2007-07-23T21:22:00.000-07:00

I don't know if anyone else noticed, but I was amused that when this picture of my lovely, turtle-eaten wife was posted, the google adsense ads were for sympathy bonsai trees. Well, amused, and a bit miffed that I haven't received one yet.

General Ideas: Muggled

2007-07-23T21:11:00.000-07:00

Accio Idea!

Ask Hawkins B.A. : Potter?

2007-07-23T21:07:00.000-07:00

	This week's question comes from Wendy in Tulsa, who writes: I just bought Harry Potter over the weekend (Book 7, I mean) and I was wondering how it ends?
	Percy chugs in. "Toot Toot", says Percy. "Toot Toot" says Thomas. Percy chugs out. Thomas chugs out. --Hawkins B.A.

News on the Fly: Man Overpowered by Cayenne

2007-07-19T17:08:00.000-07:00

Man Overpowered
Aiken, South Carolina
Mike Hawkins
July 1B, 2007

Steve Holden did not expect to be in a hospital bed on Monday.

"It was an ordinary day, see?," said Holden.

"I was just eating my fish taco, that I had sprinkled some cayenne pepper on. Maybe a little more than usual, yeah, but you know I thought I could handle it."

"But wow! That cayenne pepper, it overpowered me, see? Maybe a couple of more pushups a day would've done it, I don't know. I wasn't ready though, wowsers, I wasn't ready. I thought I was strong enough."

Holden is expected to be released later this week.

B. Jewell contributed to this report

Puzzle #23: Words Fail

2007-07-18T19:37:00.000-07:00

Solution to be posted next week or submit your own.

Photo Phriday: Illinois Driver

2007-07-12T20:57:00.001-07:00

Bad drivers are everywhere, but Illinois has the worst.

General Ideas: Everybody Yo-Yos

2007-07-12T20:41:00.000-07:00

Invent a yo-yo that poops in order to enable a more realistic walk-the-dog trick.

Ask Hawkins B.A. : Travel on a Dime

2007-07-11T22:00:00.000-07:00

This week's question comes from Jon in Iowa, who writes:

Hi, I was wanting to know if you had any tips for saving money while traveling. I'm going on a trip and boy is my budget tight! It won't budge! HaHaLOL!

Sure, I can think of a couple off the top of my head:

1. If you don't want to shell out money for a hotel, sleep in front of a movie theatre or sports venue, and pretend you're camping out for tickets.

2. If you are planning on taking a taxi from the airport to get home at the end of your trip, don't. Instead, take a free hotel shuttle to the hotel nearest your house, then take a taxi from there. Depending on where your house is, this could save you big bucks.

--Hawkins B.A.

News on the Fly: Skunk, Others Canned

2007-07-11T15:27:00.000-07:00

Rise of the Skunk Falls
Anaheim, CA
Mike Hawkins
July 10, 2007

Disney announced that the much anticipated Bambi sequel, Bambi IV: Rise of the Skunk, was officially cancelled on Monday.

"As previously reported, all production on direct-to-video sequels has halted and will not be resumed," said a representative of Disney Animation. "Rumors that Rise of the Skunk would survive the cuts because of its advanced stage of production are unfounded."

Rise of the Skunk was to follow the skunk Flower, suited in full cybernetic gear, as he avenged the evironmental damage done by humans in a post-apocalyptic world. Cancellation of the nearly finished film has cost Disney $235 million.

In related movie news, Are We Having Fun Yet?, the sequel to the films Are We Done Yet? and Are We There Yet?, due to star Wesley Snipes and Drew Carey, has also been cancelled. Studio execs have blame the writing team for not finishing the script and the director for not finding a suitable shooting location.

B. Jewell contributed to this report

Redneck Robot YouTube Premiere

2007-07-10T20:45:00.000-07:00

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Puzzle #22: Color Me Squared

2007-07-10T19:06:00.001-07:00

Solution to be posted next week or submit your own.

Ideabook Returns July 9th.

2007-06-28T13:49:00.000-07:00

Ideabook Returns July 9th. Mark your calendars.

Photo Phriday: Baby Picture

2007-06-22T20:06:00.000-07:00

My earliest baby picture, taken at birth. Or, hatching rather.

General Ideas: The Good Train Robbery

2007-06-22T19:56:00.000-07:00

Locate a coin-operated horse kiddie ride that is adjacent to a coin-operated train kiddie ride. Then reenact your favorite train robbery scene from a western.

Ask Hawkins B.A. : Book Title

2007-06-22T19:42:00.000-07:00

	This week's question comes from Craig in St. Paul who writes: Greetings! I read your column every week, and love it. You're so inciteful [sic]. I'm an unpublished author who has just completed his first novel, but I can't come up with a title. It's about a man who inherits a rare Monet painting, but the painting is possessed and coerces him into killing a bunch of people. Any ideas?
	Monet Is the Root of All Evil. --Hawkins B.A.

News on the Fly: Man Still Stuck in Traffic

2007-06-22T19:21:00.000-07:00

Traffic continues
Brisbane, CA
Mike Hawkins
June 20, 2007

Normally, an employee calls in just once if running late to get to work. But for one Bay Area man, once just is not enough.

"I was supposed to be at work three, no, four days ago now," said Thurgood North, who has been stuck in traffic that entire time.

"I would've thought I'd be there by now. But I'm not. I'm not. I keep my boss updated though."

Area transportation officials have confirmed that traffic congestion has been slightly higher this year, but cannot explain what has occurred to North.

"We cannot explain what has happed to him," said Grace Armstrong, 66, of the Department of Transportation.

"There have been no other reports of any other drivers on the same stretch of road encountering anywhere near the traffic problems that he is. We are unable to pinpoint the problem."

But North hasn't given up.

"I'm hoping to get there by Sunday. I'm just glad my boss is so understanding."

Puzzle #21: I'd Like to Lease Please

2007-06-19T15:24:00.000-07:00

Solution to be posted next week or submit your own.

Photo Phunday: Giant Turtle

2007-06-17T16:26:00.000-07:00

She was a good wife, aside from her carelessness around giant reptiles.

General Ideas: Father's Day Edition

2007-06-17T12:41:00.000-07:00

Impregnate someone so that three years later you have an excuse for building forts out of cardboard.

Ask Hawkins B.A. : Baking Problems

2007-06-15T16:49:00.000-07:00

	This week's question comes from Jenny in Oakland who writes: Hi. I interviewed earlier this week for a job in a bakery, and afterwards baked a "thank you" cake for them. But I think I might've gotten mixed up and accidently sent them the cake with an emory board baked inside that was intended for my imprisoned boyfriend. What should I do?
	First of all, for future reference, cigarettes would have been a more useful contraband to smuggle in the baked goods. But on the subject of the question, I would bake yet another cake, and overnight it with "Don't Eat the First Cake!" written in icing on the top. --Hawkins B.A.

News on the Fly: Corpse Exhibit Is Continuing Success

2007-06-15T16:22:00.000-07:00

Plastinated scene from White Men Can't Jump
Charlotte, NC
M. Hawkins
June 13, 2007

Despite controversy, Van Von VanYurtle's CineCorpseTacular, an exhibit of corpses reenacting favorite scenes from movies, continues to play before sold out museums.

"The ongoing success of my presentation is a testament of the public's interest in both the cinematic and scientific arts," said VanYurtle. "I couldn't be more happy with the response."

The exhibit, which is currently being displayed at Charlotte's Discovery Place, contains plastinated cadavers reenacting the greatest scenes from some of Hollywood's finest, including White Men Can't Jump, Encino Man, Debbie Does Dallas, and Weekend at Bernies II.

"One of the most challenging films to recreate was Rob Zombie's House of 1,000 Corpses," said VanYurtle. "For the longest time we thought we wouldn't be able to get together enough funds to afford it. But then a prison camp in China cut us a great deal on a bulk quatity of undocumented corpses, and the project was saved."

Puzzle #20: In Space No One Can Stretch Their Legs

2007-06-12T21:29:00.000-07:00

Solution to be posted next week or submit your own.

Photo Phridays: The Battle of Midway Airport

2007-06-08T15:20:00.001-07:00

We happened upon this Battle of Midway display in the middle of the Midway Airport in Chicago, complete with authentic WWII plane. It's amazing what you can learn from an airport: all this time I had (incorrectly, it seems) thought the Battle of Midway took place somewhere in the middle of the Pacific, but instead, it was right there in the midwest! Incredible!

General Ideas: Topher? Continued...

2007-06-07T17:36:00.001-07:00

Nor am I,
as someone today unrelatedly accused me of,
Malcolm Gladwell.

Ask Hawkins B.A. : Topher?

2007-06-06T19:10:00.000-07:00

Ask Hawkins B.A.
Welcome again to the advice column where each week I answer questions on absolutely any topic. ANY TOPIC! Simply post a question in the comments below, or submit it via email or USPS. Carrier pigeons are no longer accepted.

	This week's question comes from Steph in Edina, MN who writes: Are you that guy in That 70's Show? OMG you look just like him!
	No. I am not Topher Grace, nor am I Bruce Hornsby. --Hawkins B.A.

News on the Fly: Man Happily Married to Toaster

2007-06-05T16:46:00.000-07:00

Two Falls, AL
M. Hawkins
June 6, 2007

"I always knowed the man to be strange, but this is just preposterous," said Leroy Stratters, a neighbor of Lester McGovern, who marred an appliance on Sunday.

"They shouldn't be allowing such things. It just ain't right."

But for McGovern, it is a dream, a fulfillment of a lifelong promise to his shiny toaster.

"It's something that I never would never have thought would be possible. I, we I mean, have had this commitment for years now, but yesterday we made it public and forever."

"I can remember the day when I realized that this might actually become a reality for us. We were both there on the couch, watching the t.v., when the reporter comes on talking about how a man was marrying a man up in one of those northern states."

"Then he started talking about sliding slopes and what not, and how now people were going to be wanting to marry their livestock and chickens and what not."

"And I looked at Betsy, and I said, and I remember it clearly, I said 'If this is true, then there's hope for us.' And I got down on my knees and proposed right there."

Several friends and family attended the wedding, including the best man Anthony Edwardson, who gave a moving toast.

"May the plug never be pulled from the love you share," Edwardson said, as he raised his glass.

But not everyone is happy with the union, as McGovern's neighbors have called several meetings to discuss outting the two from the neighborhood.

"It should not be possible in this country of ours, or at least not in this neighborhoood," said McGovern's neighbor Stratter. "It's like something out of a sci-fi show."

Puzzle #19: Just Tri(angles) and Solve This!

2007-06-03T17:22:00.000-07:00

Solution to be posted next week or submit your own.

Nothing's Better

2007-06-03T09:04:00.000-07:00

In response to the uproar over the lack of entries last week, I've decided to post the content that you would've gotten had I rushed it.

Monday's Ideabook Puzzle:

Decide whether an odd or even number should go in the blank to complete the equation:

1. 2 + __ = 8
2. 2 + __ = 9
__. 2 + 8 = 10
4. 2 + 9 = __

Tuesday's News on the Fly:

[Insert "Classic" article here]

Wednesday's Ask Hawkins B.A.:

Q: So, how come no posts this week? Why are you being selfish?
A: If there are no posts, how are you reading this?

Thursday's General Ideas:

Construct an entire fleet of life-size paper airplanes that actually work and start a discount airline.

Friday's Photo Phriday:

It's Wiki Photo Phriday! Submit a funny picture and caption in the comments below!!

Happy?

Back on Monday

2007-05-31T13:29:00.000-07:00

I've too much to do this week in recovery from the long weekend. Posts to resume on Monday.

Photo Phridays: And Boy Are My Arms Tired

2007-05-23T21:43:00.000-07:00

This amused me--I accidently typed in "Gastoni" instead of "Gastonia" in Google Maps, and so gave me directions from Italy. Included in these instructions, as you can see, is to swim across the Atlantic. Impressively, I should be able to make the entire trip in just over 30 days!

General Ideas: Stamps Are Forever

2007-05-23T21:38:00.000-07:00

Invest your entire life savings in USPS Forever Stamps, and when they raise the price again sell them on Ebay for less than what the Post Office charges but more than what you paid. Forever Stamps = Instant Wealth.

Ask Hawkins B.A. : Job Training

2007-05-23T13:46:00.000-07:00

	This week's question comes from Jazzmine in Atlanta, Georgia who writes: i's tryin 2B a woman uv da streetz, u no, but none nobodi take me seerus, cant get no jons. U no were Is get traynin 4 dat to talkin lyk?
	I think what you're asking here is how to talk so that people understand you're willing to exchange sexual favors for your own monetary gain. If that is the case, Leon Fletcher's book How to Speak Like a Pro is probably your best bet. Good luck! --Hawkins B.A.

News on the Fly: Town Recognizes Mediocre Achievement

2007-05-22T19:45:00.000-07:00

Valrico, Fl
M. Hawkins
May 22, 2007

Monday was a scrambled eggs and roasted pig day for at least one man in Florida.

"My folks named me Hank Michaels, but you can just call me Hank. Most everyone but the leaky faucet whispers that name."

Hank Michaels smiled as he recounted the details of his special day, a day in which he became the first in his small town to create 200 unique clichés.

"Now anybody can say, perhaps, a 'dead as a doornail' or 'pretty as a peach.' Those are well-established, clichéd clichés."

"But how many people say 'dead as guillotined marmot' or 'pretty as a shiny Sacagawea dollar' in the same sentence to describe the same person? That, my friend, is skill. 1963, that was, and a good day at that."

"Except for Sally being dead and all."

Festivities for the man included a parade, a 21-gun salute, and a ceremony in which he received the key card to the city.

"This is an honor," said Michaels at the ceremony. "A real 401-k optioned honor."

Professor Opberheim of UCLA's linguistics department is among the detractors of Michaels' distinction.

"This should not even be recognized as an achievement," said Opberheim. "These are not clichés that he is rambling off, because no one else uses them. Clichés are by definition overused phrases betraying a lack of original thought. Look it up!"

Puzzle #18: You Sank My Non-Copyrighted Military Vessel!

2007-05-21T19:48:00.000-07:00

Solution to be posted next week or submit your own.

Photo Phundays: So Say We All

2007-05-20T19:51:00.000-07:00

Here is the series of invitation teasers with which we barraged the invitees of a BSG party each day last week. Surprisingly enough, it worked, and we had a pretty good sized group show up who aren't people you'd typically expect to come around to watch a sci-fi show. I've blurred out our address so we don't get anyone showing up unexpectedly. You probably have to have seen the show to really appreciate these, but here are the teasers:

I will go retire to my fortress of geekdom now.

General Ideas: Undead Links

2007-05-20T19:42:00.000-07:00

Things to Ponder:

If you revive a website that was previously left to die, does it become an undead link, and possess all the qualities of an undead being?

Ask Hawkins B.A. : Idea-Book FAQ

2007-05-17T14:59:00.000-07:00

Ask Hawkins B.A.
Welcome again to the advice column where each week I answer questions on absolutely any topic. ANY TOPIC! Simply submit a question in the comments below, or send it via email or USPS. Carrier pigeons are no longer accepted.

This week, since we are closing in on the 200th post here at Idea-Book Headquarters (this is post #195), I figured I'd answer some of the frequently asked questions.

	1. Do people really send you questions, or do you just make them up Hawkins B.A.?
	I've been sent two real questions in the history of the Hawkins B.A. advice column. So yes, most of the questions are written by me.
	2. So I'm made up?
	Yes.
	3. Where do you get such great ideas? Do you ever have bad ones?
	I have ideas at random points in the day, and usually write them down on slips of paper and pocket them. Oftentimes, these slips of go through the wash, and come out as even better ideas, although less decipherable. Any bad ideas that I may (rarely) have therefore are upgraded to decent ideas by our Laundry/Quality Control Department here at Idea-Book Headquarters.
	4. Are there any bonus features to this blog like they have on DVDs, like easter eggs or anything like that?
	Sure, I include lots of supplementary material for the careful reader. For instance, in these nearly 200 posts I'm certain I've included at least 100 puns, and many other hidden jokes. See if you can find 10 puns (excluding Puzzle #14). The person who finds the most wins a free wiki t-shirt*.
	5. What's your B.A. in?
	I have a Bachelor of Arts in English Literature. I am currently seeking a Masters in Library and Information Studies.
	6. So will this column change names when you get your masters?
	Quite possibly, though Hawkins M.L.I.S. doesn't have quite the same ring to it. Perhaps I'll discontinue the column until after acquiring my doctorate.
	8. Why is there no puzzle #9?
	Because I have grand plans for #9. It is a puzzle of epic proportions. It is several months in the making and could take years. And it will bring the puzzle world down to its collective knees.
	9. Really?!
	Nope. Just post-hiking carelessness on my part. I use more or less the same template every time I create the puzzle, and simply raised the puzzle number twice, once when I first opened the file, and again right before I saved, hence skipping #9. I didn't notice until much, much later.
	10. What's your favorite post?
	There's a special place in my heart for Ask Hawkins B.A.: Wee Pirate v.s. Leprachaun. Not only is it one of the few questions to be actually submitted to me, I did actual research in answering it. Plus, it is (I think) my longest post, and all of it is pure gold. As for puzzles, Mom and Moe is my favorite. I've always had a thing for roman numerals.

That's all for now. I hope this has been extremely informative. I know I've learned a lot. Good luck to all in the wiki-shirt contest, and everyone is welcome to submit their own choice for favorite post. I might even add it to the "Best of Idea-Book" in the sidebar links.

*winner pays $19.95 for shipping and handling.

News on the Fly: Man Appeals Justice's Blindness

2007-05-16T15:46:00.000-07:00

Columbus, OH
Mick Hawkins
May 15, 2007

Lawyers for Nortan Gibble immediately filed for appeal following his sentencing on Monday. Gibble was convicted of failing to appear, and faces up to three months in state prison.

"You don't play hooky with the law," said district attourney Samuel Watts. "You miss your court date and we'll bring the mighty gavel down on you."

Gibble's attourneys argued in the appeal that Gibble was present at his hearing, however.

"This has to be thrown out," said Gibble's lawyer. "He was at his trial, he was simply unable to manifest himself visually for the courtroom. My client is a chronic sufferer of IMD, Invisible Man's Disease, and can't control when he manifests and demanifests."

"He was even up on the witness stand, waiving his fifth ammendment rights," said Gibble's lawyer. "But no one would listen, you see? No one would listen."

"This ain't no crappy Chevy Chase movie," said Gibble. "This is real life, my life. It's serious, and the justice system, or should I say the injustice system, is seriously prejudiced. Like they say, justice is blind, right?"

Gibble's original charges include ten counts of murder, forty-five counts of breaking and entering, and eighty-four counts of voyeurism.

Puzzle #17: The Puzzling Ways of Animals

2007-05-15T19:01:00.000-07:00

Solution to be posted next week or submit your own.

Photo Phundays: Onyx Love

2007-05-13T08:07:00.000-07:00

Guess which animal has a crush on the Onyx.

General Ideas: Wiki-Shirt

2007-05-11T16:43:00.000-07:00

Ask Hawkins B.A.: Truck Planter for Mother's Day

2007-05-11T15:05:00.001-07:00

Ask Hawkins B.A.
Welcome again to the advice column where each week I answer questions on absolutely any topic. ANY TOPIC! Simply submit it via email or USPS, or post it in the comments below. Carrier pigeons are no longer accepted.

This week's question comes from Strad, in Ohio who writes:

I was driving, well let's say I had few, and drove my truck into the front of my mom's house, just below the dining room window. The truck is totalled, so I am totally broke, but really I have to do something special for my mom on Mother's Day right, to make up for it? Any suggestions? Really, no cash. None.

Be glad you crashed you truck where you did--it's a perfect place for a flower bed! Take all the wheels off and make tire planters, use the bed of the truck as a flower bed to hold some rich, dark soil, buy some cheap annuals, and you've got yourself a great surprise flower garden area with that kitchy spirit your mom is sure to adore. She's guaranteed to fall in love with it!

Below I offer a concept illustration of the finished project:

--Hawkins B.A.

News on the Fly: Man's Affliction is a Kodak Moment

2007-05-09T18:15:00.000-07:00

Man's Affliction is a Kodak Moment

Boston, MA
Miguel Hawkins
May 8, 2007

"I've had it, must be twelve years now, just look at these albums," said Bob Wingartner, who to all physical appearances is an ordinary man.

"I've taken all these pictures as you see me here in front of you," Wingartner said, gesturing to his kind eyes and friendly smile. "But look at these pictures of me at the zoo, me graduating high school, me at the Halloween party as a wizard."

The album, picture after picture, contained not the kind eyes or friendly smile, but the crooked sneer of a clown.

Coulrophotographic Disorder, diagnosed in only two cases so far, is an affliction that develops gradually over a period of time. The disorder does not affect the sufferer in any physical way, but instead gradually transforms all images taken photographically of that person into a clown.

"People, you see, they look at my kids' birthday parties in the albums, and they say to me 'Why are you always hiring that scary clown every year, you think your kids like that?'"

"It gets tiring after a while, you see? Explaining."

As of this writing, there is no cure for Coulrophotographic Disorder.

Puzzle #16: Word Tile Storytelling

2007-05-07T13:46:00.000-07:00

Solution to be posted next week or submit your own.

Solutions for the remaining answers of Puzzle 14 have been posted in its comment section.

Photo Phridays: Danger?

2007-05-04T16:10:00.000-07:00

Sure, I can see how the first picture is dangerous, but the second?
He seems to be deflecting the dangerous projectiles just fine!

General Ideas: Wiki-Shirt

2007-05-04T15:59:00.000-07:00

This idea is bound to make me millions: Sell wiki-shirts: blank t-shirts on which people can write whatever they want.

Ask Hawkins B.A.: Bad proposal

2007-05-03T18:48:00.000-07:00

Ask Hawkins B.A.
Welcome again to the advice column where each week I answer questions on absolutely any topic. ANY TOPIC! Simply submit it via email or USPS. Carrier pigeons are no longer accepted.

This week's question comes from Craig in Savannah, Georgia who writes:

My girlfriend and future fiancee is a huge Titanic fan--she has every movie poster, book, Leonardo Dicaprio magazine cover out there. We're going on a cruise to celebrate our one monthaversary (can you believe we're so much in love and only been together one month?) and I was thinking about simulating the Titanic disaster (my friend and I decorated his boat to look like an iceberg) and proposing to her. When would the best time to do this be? A "I'm on top of the world" moment, or maybe while I'm sketching her and she's topless in the cabin, or should I wait until we're bobbing in the water clinging to driftwood waiting for someone to rescue us? I was thinking the latter choice, because it's the most dramatic.

This truly is a terrible idea. But yeah, I'd go with the last choice as well. Hopefully for her sake it ends the same way too.

Oh, and it's "I'm king of the world" not "on top of."

--Hawkins B.A.

Rate Ideabook!

2007-05-02T17:41:00.000-07:00

Like Ideabook? Rate it!:

Technorati Profile

Blog catalog

I suppose if you despise the blog you're welcome to express that opinion as well.

-Hawkins

News on the Fly: Top Canadian Brass Arrested

2007-05-02T17:00:00.000-07:00

Top Canadian Brass Arrested

Toronto, Ontario.
M. Hawkins
May 1, 2007

Top Canadian Brass members, including founder Charles Daellenbach, are in custody after accusations of counterfeiting U.S. musical instruments, in particular the American tuba.

Called a "supertuba" by experts, the Canadien forgery is nearly indistiguishable from the real American tuba, and is suspected to have been used by Canadians as a source of income and to undermine the U.S. musical instrument industry. Experts such as the FBI's music expert Kurt Zert were only able to identify the differences by careful examination and years of experience.

"See here, on the back," said Zert. "If you look closely you may be able to tell that the mouthpiece on the fake looks slightly smaller. Perhaps a bit more like a trumpet mouthpiece as well."

"Also, the wrong country is printed here: 'Canada' instead of 'United States of America.' That's what really turned the case around and got us suspecting who might be the masterminds behind the operation."

The five suspected Canadian Brass members have plead "not guilty" to all charges.

Puzzle #15: Fire at Red Sea Tech

2007-05-01T19:43:00.000-07:00

Solution to be posted next week, or submit your own!

I've added hints to last week's puzzle and extended the answering period. There's still about half of the answers floating out there.

Photo Phridays: Trashed

2007-04-27T17:54:00.000-07:00

Evidently they don't cover garbage removal in TGIFriday server training: our waiter managed to dump the entirety of it on the sidewalk.

General Ideas: Life Update

2007-04-27T17:32:00.001-07:00

I visited the toilet today.

It's doing well.

Ask Hawkins B.A.: Secret Liason

2007-04-27T16:47:00.000-07:00

	This week's question comes from Beatrice in Greensboro, NC who writes: I've always felt that I was secretly asian, like on the inside (I'm actually, well on the outside at least, I'm caucasian.) Is there something I can do to access this inner self I feel is there, other than getting a race change?
	Yes, and it's fairly easy: alter your shirt. Don't believe me? Check out the before and after shots on Kathleen Maggio's book Altered Clothing: (Click for bigger pic) --Hawkins B.A.

News on the Fly: Top Canadian Brass Arrested

2007-04-27T16:13:00.000-07:00

Top Canadian Brass Arrested

Washington, D.C.
M. Hawkins
April 25, 2007

Ten Canadian treasury officials are in custody after accusations of counterfeiting U.S. coins, in particular the American Buffalo nickel.

Called a "supernickel" by experts, the Canadien forgery is nearly indistiguishable from the real American Nickel, and is suspected to have been used by Canadians as a source of income and to undermine the U.S. economy. Experts such as the FBI's currency expert Burt Zert were only able to identify the differences by careful examination and years of experience.

"See here, on the back," said Zert. "If you look closely you may be able to tell that the buffalo on the fake looks slightly smaller. Perhaps a bit more beaver-like as well."

"Also, the wrong country is printed here: 'Canada' instead of 'United States of America.' That's what really turned the case around and got us suspecting who might be the masterminds behind the operation."

The ten suspected Canadian treasury officials have plead "not guilty" to all charges.

Puzzle #14: Puntastic!

2007-04-23T16:10:00.000-07:00

Solution to be posted next week, or submit your own!

Phlash Phridays: Rocket Mule The Video Game!

2007-04-22T16:54:00.000-07:00

Rocket Mule!

As Requested: Very early build of the soon to be classic video game Rocket Mule!

Use arrow keys to move left and right, space bar to jump.

General Ideas: Corn Rows

2007-04-20T18:16:00.000-07:00

Buy a minature scarecrow at a craft store and stake it in your cornrow-styled hair.

Ask Hawkins B.A.: Time to Go?

2007-04-20T17:32:00.000-07:00

This week's question comes from Jack in Columbia, S.C. who writes:

If my future self travels back in time and tells me to come with him, should I?

Provided you know for sure that he's your future self, I don't see why not. That's what he would've done. Unless of course, he wouldn't have, and by me telling you go with him, you eliminate him from existence.

Interestingly enough, a guy came in to Barnes and Noble last week and asked my coworker Matt whether we had any books on building actual time machines. Matt looked it up in the computer and couldn't find anything, and said "Nope, I don't see anything. But maybe you wrote it in the future."

"You're right, maybe I did...can you check?" the man replied.

So really, you never know.

--Hawkins B.A.

News on the Fly: Al Qaeda Reveals Completed Power Plant, Plans for More

2007-04-17T14:03:00.000-07:00

Al Qaeda Reveals Completed Power Plant, Plans for More

M. Hawkins
April 17, 2007

In the midst of the UN Security Council's debate over global warming and its threat to global peace and security, Al Jazeera released a tape purportedly produced by Al Qaeda claiming responsiblity for a massive attack on the environment.

"We have completed construction of a massive coal-burning power plant in an undisclosed location," the Al Qaeda representative claimed on the tape.

"It is very large, nearly as large as the one near Pittsburgh. And we have many more planned, take notice."

Representatives at the UN have argued that climate change presents a threat to overall security of the world's nations.

"What makes wars start?" asked Britain's foreign secretary, Margaret Beckett. "Fights over water. Changing patterns of rainfall. Fights over food production, land use,"

"There are few greater potential threats to our economies, too ... but also to peace and security itself."

"We will power our terrorist training camps with the dirtiest coal we can find," said the Al Qaeda representative. "And you, infidel, will breathe its emissions, and feel the heat of the sun of Allah."

Puzzle #13: Out to Lunch

2007-04-16T19:07:00.000-07:00

Solution to be posted next week, or submit your own!

Photo Phaturdays: From Hell

2007-04-14T16:55:00.000-07:00

Satan sends us a package.

General Ideas: Infiltration

2007-04-14T16:35:00.000-07:00

Disguise yourself as a shark and infiltrate Al Qaeda to get information on their counter-counter terrorism program designed to thwart the Navy's dolphin and sea lion teams.

[http://www.usatoday.com/tech/science/2007-02-13-dolphin-defenders_x.htm]

Ask Hawkins B.A. : Sound Suggestion

2007-04-14T16:13:00.000-07:00

	This week's question comes from Brian L. in Lincolnton, NC who writes: I recently bought the cd of Marcel Marceau's Greatest Hits, and it's amazing! Do you have any other suggestions?
	If you like that, you'd definitely like the rare cd "Sounds of Silence II" recorded by Simon and Garfunkel during their mid-80s feud. --Hawkins B.A.

News on the Fly: Shock Jock Loses Even More Public Support

2007-04-11T13:34:00.000-07:00

Shock Jock Loses Even More Public Support

M. Hawkins
April 12, 2007

Radio Shock Jock Don Imus embroiled himself further into controvery over newly made inflammatory comments, just days after the Rutgers basketball team fiasco.

"These people he's insulted can't even speak for themselves," said one commentator. "It's really despicable."

"I didn't think he could sink any lower. It's left many among us at a loss for words."

Imus' comments about "those mute [male genitalia]-loving albinos" referred to the four women who recently became the first female mimes inducted into the American Street Performer Hall of Fame.

The four women in question have refused to comment.

Save This Page

Puzzle #12: Mom and Moe

2007-04-09T14:03:00.000-07:00

Solution to be posted next week, or submit your own!

Save This Page

Photo Phridays: Monkey Wrench

2007-04-07T18:19:00.000-07:00

The mechanics at my local repair shop had an unusual technique for changing my tire, but they've got the most reasonable prices in town, so what can you do?

General Ideas: Save the Wales

2007-04-05T14:07:00.000-07:00

Launch campaign to "Save the Wales" from British persecution.

Ask Hawkins B.A.: Good Flirt?

2007-04-05T13:49:00.000-07:00

This week's question comes from Rebecca in San Antonio who writes:

I wuz surfing the net, and cuz I wanted to know on a banner ad that said R you a good flirt. it this quiz popped up and wants me for my email adress and cell and what ginder(sp?) i wuz and i just wanna to know was i a good flirt and so i didnt want het ringtones so i didnt take the test is that a good way to find out or r they just gonna to spam?

That's very flattering, but I'm madly* in love and married. Not interested.

--Hawkins B.A.

*as in insane, not angrily in love.

News on the Fly: Bush, Congress Reach Funding Agreement

2007-04-05T13:30:00.000-07:00

Bush, Congress Reach Funding Agreement

Washington, D.C.
Michael Hawkins
April 3, 2007

After weeks of infighting between Congress and President Bush over funding bills for the War in Iraq, an agreement has finally been reached.

"I think both sides can agree to agree on this one," said the President, in a statement released before he left for Easter vacation.

The agreement, which was finalized on Monday, outlines a timetable of bill-passing and vetoing to be carried out over the weeks following the president's return from vacation.

"I'm going to come back from the ranch," said Bush. "And then they're going to send me a bill. I'll veto that bill. Then over the next week they'll send me two more bills, which I will veto. Then they'll spend a week talking things over like lawmakers like to do, and send in the first bill again, which I'll veto. Then they'll indamediately[sic] follow that up with a completely new one, which I'll veto. We'll see where it goes from there."

Congressional Democrats had pushed for a more definite deadline to end the funding negotiations, but Republican opposition worked to prevent such a deal.

Puzzle #11: Tile Be Right There

2007-04-04T14:17:00.000-07:00

Back again, sorry for the delay. Solution to be posted next week, or submit your own!

Photo Phridays: Nalgene

2007-04-02T13:30:00.000-07:00

Mike running away before I could document the aforementioned technique.

General Ideas: Alternative Nalgene Uses

2007-04-02T13:27:00.000-07:00

To prevent yourself from getting cold at night while camping, pee into your Nalgene bottle and put it in your sleeping bag. Mike Ruso' employed this technique at least twice while we were camping with him to great success.

Ask Hawkins B.A. : Faster UK Travel Diet?

2007-03-31T05:56:00.000-07:00

	This week's question comes from Courtney in Orlando who writes: I've had great success with your UK Diet, but I really need to lose some quick pounds for this weekend. Do you have an even faster version of the UK Travel Diet?
	Sure, the Euro Diet. With the Euro Diet, you simply complete a transaction to immediately convert all of your pounds into euros. It should just take minutes. --Hawkins B.A.

News on the Fly: Brother Kidnapped After Allegedly Crossing Line

2007-03-30T16:27:00.000-07:00

Brother Kidnapped After Allegedly Crossing Line

Tahrayen, IA
M. Hawkins
March 29, 2007

Freddie Mason, 9 years old of Iowa, remains captured a week after he allegedly crossed over the roadtrip backseat border established by his older brother Randy.

"He crossed over the line," said Randy,"and therefore I can hold him for as long as I want in the treehou--I mean, undisclosed location."

Allies of Freddie, including his mother Theresa, have disputed the claim however.

"He never crossed the line, he stayed always on his [Freddie's] side," said Theresa. "I was watching them in the rear view mirror the whole time."

The brothers' parents have recently requested the assistance of the neighborhood association, which has issued a vague statement of disapproval. There have been no reported positive result from that issuance however.

"They've made a grave mistake enlisting the neighborhood," said Randy.